


A letter from a God of Death

by Kotomori



Series: Of scarred angels and beautiful monsters [2]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bells, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Goodbyes, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Yotsuba Arc, Sad, Silence, Yotsuba Arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 09:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21425839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kotomori/pseuds/Kotomori
Summary: After the death of Higuchi, L is left with no choice but to release Light. However during a rainy day as he is once again alone with his thoughts and the tolling bell getting louder, he thinks back to one specific night where he made a promise and leads him to a letter in his bedside drawer written by his only friend, who L knows he had lost the moment he touched the notebook of death.
Relationships: L & Yagami Light, L/Yagami Light
Series: Of scarred angels and beautiful monsters [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545313
Comments: 13
Kudos: 120





	A letter from a God of Death

**Author's Note:**

> Heya! So I've been particularly busy writing this as I want it to lead on to a bigger story. I'm gathering ideas on how to put this big story together so between this and my marvel fics, I will be alternating updates soon. This fic is part of a series and part three will be the bigger story that ends the trilogy. This is a sequel part to my first death note fic, 'Aren't we just terrified' which I am calling the theme song for this series. Though I'm still trying to come up with a name for this series. 
> 
> Anyhow, I feel as if I've ranted long enough, please if you haven't read part one, please do if you have the time I am so proud of that one. And if you want to then listen to the song, 'Roslyn' by Bon Iver and St Vincent as that is where I got the title for the first fic. 
> 
> Hope you like part 2! :)<3

_Ding, dong, ding...._

It was raining outside. L had noticed the first drops falling from the sky early that morning. While the dark of night faded away, the sun had yet to appear as it hid behind the greying clouds. No light, no Light, how ironic.

Instinctively reaching for the cuff that had marked it's place around his wrist for the last few months, L was confused for a moment when he couldn't feel the cold metal biting into his skin before remembering that the handcuffs had been removed the day before. 

The detective's eyes wandered over his shoulder to the now empty space beside him on the bed. Only four nights before he would've turned and found the brown haired boy laying beside him, probably lecturing him about working when he was trying to sleep. Though whereas before the teen called him out with a short temper like that of his father, Light's protests to L's habits had turned into something like fond chastisement. 

It had been four days since Higuchi's death. Criminals were still dying. It was funny how the moment Misa Amane and Light Yagami were cleared of suspicion, the murders started up again. No, actually it wasn't funny, he should have seen such a thing coming. Not only that, but the way Kira conducted his murders confirmed to the ideals of the original Kira before Yotsuba ever came into contact with the notebook. 

The notebook of death. 

Owned previously by a Shinigami. 

Up until four days ago, L had been unwilling to accept the possibility of such a creature or power existing. But now the evidence was all here in front of him, there was no questioning it. The notebook's power was real and there was a God of death living with them in the taskforce headquarters. However, nothing about the absurdity of that statement was funny to L.

He had already spoken with Watari about the thirteen day rule. The Shinigami had told him all the rules in the notebook were real but that particular rule doesn't fit in line with the rest of them. The only benefit that came from the thirteen day rule was that Light and Misa were cleared of suspicion. How convenient. 

The plan was reasonably simple, Watari would get permission from another country to use the death note for an execution to prove whether or not the thirteen day rule was real. 

Until then, there was nothing he could do. 

But like a few months before, L wasn't in the mood to do anything. He was ready for this whole case to be over with. As a man who only ever took cases that peaked his interest, never once in his life as a detective had L ever wanted a case over with so much. In fact, L had never become so emotionally involved with a case. 

And it was all down to one person. 

Light had gone outside to see Misa by the time L went to talk to Watari. He had no right anymore to keep them from seeing eachother without the surveillance cameras. Though they would only ever talk for a few minutes outside before Light came back in. He should be back inside by now. L figured he should probably start heading back as well. 

_Ding, dong, ding, dong..._

That bell was really distracting. He could barely keep to his own train of thought anymore. 

It didn't matter, nothing mattered anymore. He was over ninety percent sure his fate was sealed the moment Light touched the notebook again. Once he looked into the eyes of the brilliant young man he had come to know over the last few months, that innocent shine that symbolised the wonder and strong determination Light thrived on was no longer there. L couldn't bring himself to even look at his once friend.

His friend wasn't in there anymore. 

L wasn't overly sure why he felt this way. He had been certain from the start ever since he'd met the boy.

Light Yagami was Kira. 

He had been Kira.

Both L and Light had spoken numerous times about the theory that Light was once Kira and once Kira's power transferred to another individual, Light had no memory of ever being Kira. L was always the one to broach the subject and Light never seemed to want to talk about the possibility that he was once a serial killer, though he indulged L all the same. For that he was thankful. He would've never been so certain otherwise. 

But one night was different, it was the night before Higuchi's planned arrest. Three nights ago.  
...............

"Ryuzaki, can I ask you a question?" Light spoke up from his side of their shared bed causing L to startle slightly. Light had never been one for trying to make conversation so late into the  
night. 

Once L turned his head away from laptop screen to face the teen however, L knew immediately that his friend was troubled. It was rare for Light to ever show any form of vulnerability to the detective. But Light was almost sitting up, leaning against the headboard and staring off into space with a faraway look in his eye. Whatever thoughts were plaguing his mind must be getting to him. 

"What is it?" L gave the younger man his full attention. If his suspect was about to ask him something that could lead to him finding out something important, then he would need to listen. 

Light didn't look at him in return, he didn't move a muscle. His eyes stayed firmly fixed staring into nothing.

"If I was once Kira and I have no memory of it, and Higuchi is now the current Kira, what do you think the chances are that Kira could transfer his power once again as soon as he is apprehended?" 

L suppressed a sigh, he had been expecting a question along those lines at some point. Though he hadn't really had the time to give much thought to an answer. He hummed deep in thought while holding his thumb against his lip and looking away from Light and staring straight ahead.

"Hmm.. Well, it's like we've already spoken about before, Kira's power can only be transferred by the will of the person wielding it. Or at least that's the current theory we are choosing to go by. If Kira's power is once again transferred to another individual and they begin killing criminals in the name of the one they call God, then we will just have to bring that person to justice." 

L chose that moment to glance back down at the teen and see if he was satisfied with his answer. But Light's brow was furrowed and his frown deepened. He brought his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them before resting his chin on top of his knees. It would appear that may have not been the answer he wanted from the detective, but his eyes closed in a way that said it was the answer he had been expecting to hear. 

L twisted his entire body around to face his friend properly while leaning over him slightly to study his face. Normally when he did this, Light would remind him about personal space and push him lightly so he would lose balance in his crouching position and fall backwards. 

However, Light's eyes wandered up to those of the detective's, giving L the most hopeless expression one could possibly muster. He was sure for a moment something inside him clenched.

"What if that person was me?"

L's brow shot up at the higher pitch in Light's voice and as he tried to actually process the question, he found his mind had gone completely blank.

"I-I, uh, hmm," L paused for a moment to clear his throat once his brain came back into focus like a plug in a socket, the question of whether or not that was a confession died on his tongue, "I'm afraid I don't quite follow, Light." 

Light sighed something deep and cast his sight away from him. 

"What I'm saying is, if I was once Kira, and I gave my power up willingly then it can't have been without reason. What if after we arrest Higuchi, Kira already has a way to transfer that power back to me. It would only make sense for Kira to try and take over once again once I'm cleared of suspicion. What if I become Kira once again? What if the me as I am now is lost to Kira forever?! Would I even manage to keep control?!"

This was not good. L could tell by the rambling that Light was beginning to panic. And while it was safe to say that L knew the symptoms of an impending panic attack, he was damn near clueless on how to handle it.

"Light-" L cut himself off as he found he had no words to say. 

But Light looked at him nevertheless. L found quickly that he couldn't stand the way Light was looking at him, the amount of hopelessness in his eyes combined with the lack of words on how to somewhat offer comfort to the boy, it made him feel useless. L broke the eye contact, quickly turning his gaze to the window in front of them. 

If Light was Kira, then what was stopping Light from becoming Kira again? As soon as Higuchi was arrested, he could easily pass the power on leaving him too with no memories of his crimes. If Kira had been planning this all along in a way that the power would transfer back to the original owner, then....

It would most likely happen as soon as Higuchi is taken into custody. That being, if Light was truly the first Kira all along.

But then L remembered Light's last question. 

_Would he keep control? Over what? Himself?_ It was clear to L that the Light he first met at the university and the Light he was sitting next to at this moment in time were completely different people. Like two beings living in the same body, with the strongest of the two being the one in control. 

Could that be what was going on here? Light gave into Kira because Kira was stronger and Light was taken prisoner inside his own body? Maybe he was thinking to far into this...

"Light," L finally spoke in reply. He heard Light hum from behind him.

L sighed deeply, "I am afraid I don't have a definite answer to your questions. We still don't know how Kira conducts his murders or even if you were Kira, how your power was transferred. So, if Kira was to take over once again, I'm afraid I can't tell you what would happen to you."

L heard Light breathing soft laughter through his nose and figured in the time he had spent lost in thought Light had managed to calm himself down.

"Don't worry about it," Light responded, "To be honest, I wasn't really expecting an answer at all. I'm sorry, I shouldn't burden you with questions like that when you probably already have enough to think about as it is."

L frowned and turned to look at Light over his shoulder, "You don't need to apologise for asking a question that's clearly been on your mind for a while. Though you are right that I do have a lot to think about, your thoughts areì valid too, Light, it is of no burden to me."

Light's brow rose like he hadn't been expecting such a sincere response from the detective. L saw the corner of his mouth turn upwards ever so slightly and couldn't resist mirroring the action. But it wasn't enough.

"I can tell you this, however, in the end, justice will always prevail no matter what."

"....I hope you're right." 

L's smile grew, "I'm never wrong." He said with laughter in his voice causing Light to let out a laugh as well. 

But the then the deep frown chased away his smile once more. There was something else bothering Light.

"L," the detective didn't bother reminding him about his name. 

"Yes, Light?"

The way Light hesitated to continue was enough to make L apprehensive to hear what he had to say.

"L.... if I don't manage to keep control, if Kira takes me again, I want you to promise me that you'll stop me by whatever means necessary." His voice was barely a whisper. 

There it was again, the feeling of something clenching within him. This was the first time Light had ever asked him for anything, all while dropping the calm and collected act. And that terrified L. 

'By whatever means necessary,' did he mean.....

"Light, are you asking me to-" he didn't need to finish, the look on Light's face said everything he was thinking. 

The fact that Light thought he would be able to do such a thing...

"Light, I need you to listen to me," he took a moment to turn around so he was sitting in front of Light and tried to meet his eye.

"Of course my main goal is to catch Kira and I will. But if you become Kira again, then I will promise you this; I will do everything within my power to save you." 

There was a flicker of surprise in the boy's eyes that faded the moment L saw it before his face settled into a sad smile.

"Please, promise me no matter what, you will stop Kira."

_You don't have to be Kira, Light. And you know I hate making promises._

"Alright." L finally declared after a long pause. He regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. He had sacrificed many lives already for this case, but this wasn't just any human life here. 

When a strange unfamiliar warmth settled on his back and enclosed around his hand, it caused him to hum in confusion as for one fleeting moment he was under the impression he was being attacked. But when the hand closed around his own remained simply holding on, L had to turn.

Several emotions were conveying themselves across Light's face in the space of only a few seconds. Disbelief? Grief, perhaps? Or relief? Either way, Light didn't look angry or upset and L couldn't decipher as to why. 

"Thank you, L," were the only reply he received to his unspoken question. 

No more words were spoken between them throughout the night. Eventually, Light fell asleep while L resumed his work long into the hours of the night. 

It was exactly 3:00am when Light shot up in bed all of a sudden. While he had succeeded in surprising the detective, L was fairly used to these events taking place in the long amount of time they had spent together. 

But what unfolded afterwards wasn't what usually happened after Light had a bad dream. Typically, Light rarely ever spoke about his nightmares once he had them, but L always made sure to let him know he wasn't alone before he went back to sleep. It was usually the first thing he did when he woke up from a bad dream to look and feel around to see if anybody was there and once L had assured him then he would begin to calm down.

But instead this time, Light seemed calm already. He was calm enough that the first thing he asked L for was to pass him a piece of paper and a pen. Once the detective quickly brushed off the strange behaviour and acquiesced Light's request and brought him what he asked for, L watched him intensely to see what he was planning to do. 

Light snatched a book from the bedside table and used it to lean on as he instantly began writing down on the paper. Though he wrote at an angle that made it virtually impossible for L to see what he was writing without making it obvious he was watching. After a few moments, the teen began writing slower and L lost interest and turned back to his laptop. 

Another hour passed before L decided to try and get some sleep himself. He lay his head down on the pillow while staring up at his friend, who was still writing on the paper. It frustrated L to no end that he couldn't come up with one reason as to why Light was writing for so long. And before long, L actually began to drift off, until he heard sniffling that stirred him back to wakefulness.

L's eyes snapped open in alarm at the sound, and glanced upwards just in time to see Light wiping his eyes as he neatly folded over the piece of paper. Then for a moment Light suddenly froze and L quickly shut his eyes again once he knew Light would be looking down at him. 

When he heard a drawer opening, L assumed it was safe to open his eyes again and he saw Light placing the folded paper into the drawer before slowly sliding it shut, trying to be as quiet as possible. 

Once Light settled, the only sound in the room was the continuous soft sniffles and hitching breaths that escaped the young man's mouth. Though Light's back was turned to him, L was ninety-nine percent certain that the reason Light was crying had something to do with whatever was in that letter. 

It was as if Light had felt L staring at him because in one sudden movement, Light flipped over so that they were facing eachother and Light's reddened eyes locked with L's surprised stare. 

Though Light was upset, L blinked as a short laugh escaped the teen's throat, "I knew you weren't asleep." 

This was a first. Light would never allow himself to look vulnerable, never once had he allowed that perfect facade to crack. Or at least he had made sure no one would be able to see him beforehand. 

_If Light were Kira...._

Kira would never let himself look weak in the eyes of his enemy, at least not without intention. If this was all an act to throw L off track then he would suggest that Light was in the wrong profession by choosing to be a detective. But even the Light he met before wasn't that good of an actor. 

Those brown eyes held so much fear and sadness and L knew without a doubt that he had played a big part in causing that. If Light really was completely innocent, L could only imagine the damage that being accused of mass murder would inflict upon a young mind such as Light's.

L shouldn't feel guilty. He shouldn't feel anything. But he did. It was too late for either of them now.

The detective had known from the start that being within a close proximity to eachother twenty four hours a day would inevitably bring them closer. They were still human after all. With the suspect being someone like Light, L didn't see too many problems with the decided arrangement after releasing him from confinement. The real nuisance out of the two was Misa, as she was loud, predictable, stubborn and hostile towards his actions, however Light seemed to know how to handle her easily enough. Not that there weren't positive attributes to her character. 

Light on the other hand was easy to talk to and hard to understand, he made for a good companion, when they weren't fighting that is. 

L may be childish and selfish, but he certainly wasn't stupid, he realised that the feeling of guilt came from the fact he had grown to care about Light. It goes without saying this presented a mountain of problems for the detective, if he had been right in his deduction all along then he was falling right into Kira's trap. Though for whatever reason, L didn't care as much as he did months ago, as much as he should now.

Bringing himself out of his thoughts, L found himself moving his hand up to the boy's face without stopping to think about it and using his index finger, he brushed away the tear that managed to escape Light's eye before moving the few strands of hair that had fallen over his friend's face and tucked them behind his ear. Shining eyes widened in response to his actions as L turned over before Light could say anything else. 

..............

Snapping back to the present, L saw that during the time he had spent dwelling, the rain had become unbearably heavier. But L didn't mind, he liked the rain. He tried to focus on that in the hopes that it would drown out the sounds of that damned bell. 

He should've asked him. He should've asked Light why he cried that night. He shouldn't have felt the need to let out how he was feeling in a letter. 

.....The letter. 

It was the quickest L had moved in days as he rolled over to Light's side of the bed and pulled the drawer open. The first thing he saw had to be what he was searching for. It was the only thing in the drawer. A folded, slightly creased piece of paper, on the blank fold facing him, was the letter L.

Light wrote the letter to him.

He didn't need to seek approval as he unfolded the paper and sat up in his usual crouching position, holding the letter by the top of the page between his finger and thumb. 

_L._

The first word written in the letter.

_As I am writing this to you, you are pretending to sleep next to me._

The corners of L's mouth turned upwards slightly.

_Always watching my every move, that sounds like you. When I wrote this and you watched me do it, I knew you were wondering what I was writing, but even if you had asked me then, I wouldn't have told you._

_If you are reading this letter now then it looks like something happened after all. I only meant for you to read this after we catch Higuchi. If all went well, then I would've found this letter again before you could and I would've burned it. _

_However, L, if you are reading this now and I'm not around, then it can only mean I was right. If I was Kira, then his power has returned to me by the time you are reading this. And you know what that means. Also, while I would normally use a computer to record something like this, given the circumstances that just wasn't possible, not to mention it's not how I would've chosen to say goodbye to you anyway._

_Now I'm not entirely sure how I can write down everything I wanted to say to you, but given that these will be the last words I ever say to you, L, I will try._

_I wasn't lying to you when I told you I had no memory of ever being Kira. When you carried on accusing me, I was only ever angry with you because I didn't want to accept that you could be right. I always wondered why I couldn't remember how I felt when I first met you, but I remember you called me your first ever friend. I don't remember what I was thinking during our tennis match, but I remember that I won. I don't remember asking to be confined, but I remember being in that cell for fifty days. There are pieces of my mind missing and for that to happen after being confined, it can't just be a coincidence and you know that._

L felt the sudden need to move, to scrunch up the letter in his hand and throw it as far away from himself as he possibly could, or rip it into shreds so he would never have to know the words that came next. These were the final words of the Light he had grown to know so well over the last few months. While he had no doubt that Light would try, it still didn't feel like enough. He wanted to see his face. He wanted to hear his voice. With a heavy sigh, L continued to read.

_There are many things I could say to you, L. Firstly, I could tell you I hated you for what you put me through during and after I was imprisoned. But as the months went by and I was right next to you throughout this whole journey we've been on together to try and catch Kira, the more I came to realise it wasn't true. I guess I just didn't understand how much you truly cared about the consequences of this case and what it would mean if you made one mistake. You were doing what you had to, which is something I think only you and I will ever understand._

_We did have a lot in common, after all._

_I asked you once, if you thought you would ever be able to look at me and see me as anything more than a murderer. You responded by telling me that Light Yagami wasn't a murderer, Kira is a murderer. Yet you still suspected I was Kira, like we were two different people. I have never killed or had the desire to kill anybody, just because a serial killer has the power to pass unfair judgement and execution on criminals does not make them a benevolent God. I could never believe something like that._

_I don't hate you, L. I never hated you, despite what you may think of me, especially now._

_Before I met you, all I ever wanted to do was make a difference in the world like so many other people. I thought that by becoming a police officer one day, I would fulfil that goal and do everything I could to make the world a better place. I always looked up to my father and admired his sense of justice, so much so that I hoped one day I could become just like him._

_Then Kira happened._

_And while I deem his acts as unforgivable, I am somewhat grateful to Kira. If I was never a suspect in this case, then I would have never met you._

L paused in his reading as he read that last line, his eyebrow quirking slightly while inwardly being thoroughly taken aback by the sincerity of Light's statement.

_Now I know sentimentality isn't really my strong suit. Alot of the time I'm unsure how to deal with what people are saying to me or how to handle what they're feeling. It's one of the reasons why even as a fairly popular kid, I never allowed myself to actually get to know any of them. And then I met you and for the first time in my life, I was interested in a person._

_You captivated me, L, from the moment I first saw you I knew I wanted to know you. This may sound vain, but it's rare that anyone has caught my attention as much as you did._

_Then you called me your first friend. And while I don't remember what I felt, as I think about it now while writing this letter, I realise that not only was I your first friend, but you were mine._

_But I also knew it was too good to be true._

_I think I know you well enough to know that you only said that to try and invoke a reaction out of me to prove I was Kira. But I don't want to leave my own body with the knowledge that all this time we've spent together was for nothing. You may have been investigating me this whole time, but I want you to know this; you are my friend, L, and I feel lucky to have been able to call you that._

If L was the type to show how he felt, he wasn't sure whether he would or should be crying. It would appear that was another new experience that Light had introduced him to. He felt like with every word he read, Light drifted further and further away. Like the metaphorical rope was fraying down to it's last worn out thread. He knew from the moment Light touched that damned notebook that he had lost him, it was like hearing from him beyond the grave. He couldn't help but think, was his friend really dead?

Is this what it felt like to grieve? 

_So, it would seem that this is it between us, L. After all, I'm sure you've come to the same conclusion that there is a much higher probability you're reading this letter and I'm no longer attached to you to stop you from doing so._

_But I will ask one thing of you, keep the promise you made to me. If I become Kira again, stop me. No matter what it takes. I can't let Kira take you as well._

_Who knows, maybe we will meet again, maybe that won't be in life, maybe not in this life, or maybe that's just my wishful thinking. If that moment is to come, until then, keep doing what you do best. Keep solving cases and serving justice the way it was intended. Knowing there are still so many possibilities do such a thing is a privilege. Knowing that I might have even been by your side solving them with you, the thought itself puts me at peace._

_When Kira is brought to justice, I don't want him to be all you remember about me. If you ever think of me again, think of me as you do on one of the many nights we spent together laying awake all night side by side watching the rain. Because this is me, L._

_I am Light Yagami,_

_And I was killed by Kira._  
..................

The rain came down in sheets, covering the city so it was impossible to see through the torrential downpour. Watari always told him as a child that when it rains, it means the clouds are mourning the loss of another soul in the vast world they live in. An absurd thought to consider in his adulthood. L barely noticed the chill of the wind and the raindrops drenching him from head to foot.

Ever since he finished reading Light's letter, the bell only rang louder. So much so that L couldn't take the indoors anymore. His time was short, he knew that. That's another reason why he chose to come outside, staring into the sky on the roof of the tallest building in the city. 

After paying a visit to Watari in his own private quarters, L had set a plan in action. Depending on when Kira was planning to make a move, L could only wait until then. Lives were at risk, including his own, the risk being even higher now that a Shinigami was involved. Maybe this was for his own selfish benefit, but like every other time he couldn't bring himself to care. The letter had awoken something within the detective, and a newfound determination was born. L never liked goodbyes, maybe because he hardly ever got the chance to say it. But this wasn't the end. This wasn't over yet. But there was one more thought weighing on his mind.

_I'm sorry, Light._

L closed his eyes as more rain fell down on his face. He took a moment to breath the fresh air in. 

_I can't keep my promise to you._

As much as he wanted to, he couldn't do it. He wanted to stop Kira, because Light was his friend. But there was something else he found he wanted more.

_But I can make another promise to you. I will stop Kira, and I will save you._

L wasn't sure if Light was even aware enough to be patient with the detective. He wondered if Light could even still hear his own voice inside his own head. He wondered if Light was still alive inside his own body. 

There was no doubt in his mind that Kira would be planning to kill him and time was already running short. But if his plan worked....

Then he heard it, the faint footsteps coming up the stairs to the rooftop opening. L waited for them to come closer before he turned his attention to the younger man standing under the shelter. Confused darker brown eyes met his own as the monster in a stolen body called out,

"Ryuzaki, what are you doing standing out there by yourself?"

**Author's Note:**

> Please stay tuned to find out L's plan and let me know if you liked this :) if I haven't already made it clear I love L and Light, but I hate Kira :P i kind of imagine Light and Kira like Frisk and Chara from undertale! Sorry if anyone seemed out of character but I usually try to write witha lot of emotion, so it's hard not to throw some in there.
> 
> Comments are always appreciated as I love talking to you all on here and listening to your opinions.


End file.
